Love Yourself, Know What Matters, F*ck the Rest.

After his victories in Greece, in the year 336 BC, Alexander (the future great), visited Corinth. Many statesmen and philosophers came to congratulate the rising general. The philosopher Diogenes was in Corinth too, yet as Alexander noted, he wasn’t among the admirers. Alexander decided to visit the old man, who he heard was lounging in the market, not giving a fuck. Upon arrival, Diogenes noticed the approaching crowd. Alexander greeted Diogenes and asked him if there was anything he could do for him. “Yes,” he replied, “Stand a little out of my sun.” Taken aback, Alexander admired the beggar’s grandeur. Walking away, Alexander is to have said, “If I were not Alexander, I wish I were Diogenes.” To which Diogenes replied, “If I were not Diogenes, I would be wishing to be Diogenes too.”

Diogenes didn’t care how rich, famous, or powerful you were, and he certainly didn’t care what you thought of him. Despite begging on the streets and owning only the clothes on his back, Diogenes esteemed no one more than himself. He did something we could all do more of — he loved himself because he stayed true to what mattered to him.

The Fear of Judgment

If you ever consider what other people think, or think of you, then congratulations, you’re not a psychopath. Where psychopaths lack empathy or any sort of emotional intelligence, the rest of us suffer (or have suffered) from an innate fear of judgment. This fear is akin to staring at a Rorschach blot and seeing a terrifying demon, whereas a psychopath only sees black ink on paper. This fear pervades our everyday life. If we didn’t have it, more of us would sing in public, approach strangers, and do what feels good, even if it looks ridiculous. Instead, this fear grounds us within commonly accepted norms that exist in our minds. In other words, we adapt. Some of us adapt to this judgment, the rest of us adapt around it. In other words, we develop habits not to deal with it, but to avoid it, close ourselves off to it, or dumb ourselves down so we only see the ink blot.

One way we avoid judgment is by conforming to what our society tells us. We should be confident, happy, and successful. Some seem to think you can apply the fake-it-til-you-make-it method here. “If I fake success to others, then I’ll be a success.” It worked for Trump, who even as he hemorrhaged over a billion dollars, he procured a persona of a rich and successful guy. For two decades he kept up the charade before the truth surfaced. What happens to that persona after people find out it’s a fake?

The problem here is that you can’t fake yourself into feeling something, especially if you don’t exactly know what you’re faking. What is happiness, or success? You end up anticipating what you think you’d look like if you felt that, and you get something incongruent, and people notice. It’s like building yourself into a glass palace, whose fragile walls you must care for, otherwise, if one wall shatters, so does the whole palace. That’s what maintaining a persona costs. Consider how much time and energy Trump spent obsessing over his persona instead of doing his job. It costs you and the people around you.

When we worry about our personas, we get outside of our heads and we try to see how others will see us. According to Niclas Epley in his book Mindwise, we’re terrible at reading other people’s minds. We are terrible at reading our own. Out of the millions of people you have yet to see and be seen by, they will all have unique interpretations of what’s normal or desirable. By playing this game of fitting in, you’ll never fit in with everyone. At best you’ll become like Ditto, whose only move is to copy other Pokemon. Just like the Pokemon Ditto, you’ll never evolve. At best you’ll become a level 99 blob, who’s only move is to copy others…

Another way we adapt around judgment is we close ourselves off from it. We distract that part of our mind that handles emotional intelligence, or we dumb it down. Fashion and tech have made this easy. Walking down the street, we hide our eyes behind shades, block out noise with headphones, or gaze at screens that distract us from people’s stares. It’s like we turn off the lights upstairs and slip into autopilot. No wonder so many people are scared of death. If you spend your whole life on autopilot, of course, you’re gonna wish you had lived more, and death offers nothing after (at least in my mind it doesn’t). So if you’re not gonna live now, then when?

This type of adapting around the problem, instead of confronting it wears down our individuality and the parts of us that make us human. We turn into a smiling amorphous purple blob. Is this really the best way to raise ourselves?

Self-Worth That Sells

It’s astonishing how far we’ve come. We’ve gone from a barbaric world where taunting the wrong man in the street could’ve gotten you killed, to a world where people rap battle in the street about killing their opponents, and it’s considered art! We’ve gotten good at preventing wars that cost lives, but we’re still fighting in a different war. It’s a Star Wars-esque war with lasers and depth charges, only the beams are invisible, and the damage is psychological, which targets our self-worth. I’m talking about everything from bullying to passive-aggressivity, but mostly the inescapable messages of ads and commercials in our everyday environments. From birth, you’re bombarded with messages with hidden undertones. Slogans like Olay’s “Love the skin you’re in,” subtly tell you that you need to consume something in order to love yourself or be complete. Luckily, they’ve got what you need. Just buy their phone, wear their watch and drink their Kool-Aid and you’ll be it (whatever it is). That’s the premise at least.

Ask yourself, since when do companies like Camel, Olay, or Breitling give a shit about you? This is capitalism, not a friendly public service announcement on living a good, meaningful life. How do they know what’s important to you? They don’t, so they try to convince you what they have should be important to you, and you’re missing out. These are the engines of consumerism fueling our desires. If these companies cared about you, they wouldn’t tell you how to live, but rather focus on making the best damn product, which speaks for itself. Instead, they spend millions gathering and studying data, and AB testing to drive conversions aka sales. They’ve mastered how to divert our attention from matters that matter to superficial ones, like “What will people think of me if I…?”

It’s not just the ad industry and corporations that try to sell us self-worth improvements, the education industry does too. Consider the inflated ego certain people get because a framed piece of paper with the words Ph.D. and their name hang in their office. It’s a measure of status certain people carry believing it entitles them with authority. On the flip side, in middle-class America, if you don’t have a standard education, you’re made to feel retarded (literally, not figuratively). In my parent’s generation, you were considered ahead of the crowd if you had a college education. Now, they’ve jacked up tuition prices, streamlined the debt-train and made bachelor degrees the norm. How convenient…

In terms of both money and time, this type of self-worth is costly. It protects you from superficial judgment while hiding the inner you. It’s outer self-esteem, the kind Alexander had when he won the royal birth lottery. He didn’t have to earn his title. From birth, people were already kissing his ass. He built up genuine confidence later on by winning battles, but he had a head start very few of us have. By the time he visited Diogenes, the old man loved himself just as much, despite his lowly status.

How did Diogenes get such high self-esteem? He must’ve realized early on a secret that mainstream companies don’t want you to know because it would destroy their sales if everyone knew: you’re good enough the way you are, in fact, you’re the perfect you. That’s not to say there’s nothing left to improve, there always will be, but improvements come when you invest time and dedication, not with a swipe of a plastic card, or follow the crowd. If you worry what others think, be like Diogenes and care what you think, as if you’re own best friend. You can’t love others without first loving yourself.

Two Ways To Go

In a modern battle, there are two ways to avoid getting mortally shot, dodge every bullet or protect yourself from the impact. In our modern war, they’re the same ways we avoid the sting of judgment. I call them outer and inner self-esteem. Self-esteem is how we protect ourselves from outside judgment because if we feel good about ourselves, we don’t care what others think.

Outer self-esteem (OSE), is like a law forbidding guns, whereas inner self-esteem (ISE) is like a bulletproof-vest. Both of them will make sure a bullet doesn’t pierce your skin, however, one of them has shortcomings. To illustrate my point, let’s consider someone arrives who’s unaware of this law prohibiting guns. He pulls his rifle out and starts shooting. Your safety goes out the window. Another scenario, let’s say they’re aware of this law, yet they ignore it. Once more, you’re unsafe. OSE is like that. It requires that other people conform to what you believe (which aren’t really you’re beliefs because you copied them from others). Diogenes understood this. He knew who Alexander was, he just didn’t give a fuck.

In this day and age where you’re more likely to be killed by eating and drinking too much rather than not enough, you shouldn’t have to fear what others think. Speaking your mind and expressing yourself should be the least of your worries.

The Source of Inner Self-Esteem

Whereas OSE is fragile, ISE is invincible. Like a memory that brings a smile to your face, whatever inner self-worth you build up, you’ll have it for life, which can’t always be said for wealth, status, and/or health. For example, nearly one-third of lottery winners go bankrupt within five years. Similarly, Tiger Woods lost his reputation and career when news reached us of his extramarital affairs. Status, wealth, and fame are fragile, whereas reassuring memories last a lifetime.

ISE comes from respect for yourself. It’s that “Go you!” feeling you get when you take the hard choice and go through with it. It’s that feeling of confidence that you made the right choice, and you’ll succeed, even if you made the wrong decision. Without it, you’re that self-conscious boy or girl, like I was, friendless, and always second-guessing yourself, “I didn’t make the right choice, did I?“

So where does self-respect come from? From knowing your values and standing by them. Some call em virtues. You can think of them as a compass. When you get lost, your compass always shows true north. The same goes for virtues when you’re stuck in a situation where you have to make a choice, but you’re unsure which is the right one, you balance your options against your values. Like getting lost in a desert, too often we follow the mirage in front of our eyes that offers immediate rewards versus following our compass. Too often we take the easy road and we’re surprised when it bites us in the ass down the road. It’s easier casting blame elsewhere than accepting responsibility, like letting your neighbor’s gerbil die because you forgot to feed him, and saying he ran away. We want our slates to be flawless, but you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

This might be the first time anyone asks you — what are your virtues? If I don’t know my virtues, how would I figure them out? For starts, look up a list of them, then go through the definitions picking the virtues that matter to you. Another option is to consider your closest friends. Which of their traits do you value most? This ain’t rocket science, it only takes time and effort.

You’ll build self-worth by following your compass, through hail and snow. You’ll get that “Go You” feeling by sticking through to the end. No matter the virtues you value, whether it’s frugality, sincerity, loyalty, whatever — when you make decisions that reflect your values, you never have to second-guess yourself.

Know What Matters

Our capitalist society teaches us we can get whatever we want if we’ve got the money. Seeing how our institutions let hard-working, honest people get screwed over, just like in the 2008 recession, while risky bankers got away unscathed, what’s there to incentivize you to be virtuous? If you’re filthy rich and you don’t need real relationships, and you’re ok with seeing the world burn, then nothing. Otherwise, you’re like me, you can’t buy lasting outer self-esteem, real friends, or a meaningful life. Knowing what matters to you and living by your values fulfills more than money. Just look at Diogenes. He had no money, no possessions, only two aspirations — to be truly free and to live a virtuous life, and his life was meaningful and free.

Despite being an intelligent and capable philosopher, Diogenes valued asceticism and poverty, so he slept in a ceramic jar in the market and begged for a living. He was so adamant in his beliefs and self-improvement that it’s said, he owned only a single wooden bowl for eating and drinking. That is until he saw a peasant boy drink from his hands. Seeing that, he destroyed his bowl and exclaimed, “Fool that I am, to have been carrying superfluous baggage all this time!”

Furthermore, Diogenes valued shamelessness. He believed society and its norms are an artificial contrivance set up by humans which do not accord well with truth or virtue. Thus he challenged social norms. He broke the law by eating in the public market. He might be the first case of someone who immunized himself from outside judgment by actively humiliating himself. He masturbated in public, pointing out that such activities were normal and that everyone did it but hid in private what he did openly. He’d say, “If only I could forego hunger by rubbing my belly” [like he was his dick]. One time at a banquet thrown by Athenian elite, Diogenes went as far as peeing on people! You might be thinking, what I dick this guy was! In his defense, those Athenian elites were throwing bones to him and calling him a dog. If you piss the wrong dog off, he’s gonna pee you…

Diogenes may have been a schmuck, but he was consistent in that he didn’t tell you what he thought you wanted to hear. He was the asshole who’d tell you what he thought you needed to hear. And if you thought the people hated Diogenes, think again. By the time he died at the age of 89, the people were so saddened that despite his wishes for his body to be thrown outside the walls to feed the dogs, they buried him and enacted a statue of him.

In our age of fake news, fake people, and manipulative marketing ask yourself, “Am I choosing to hear what I want to hear? Am I getting defensive or ignoring the people being rude to me?” Sometimes it’s the assholes we don’t want to hear that we should listen to. If you stick to your values, sooner or later you’ll be in that situation. Do you tell them what they want to hear or what they need to hear? If you tell em what they need to hear, sooner or later you will share in the self-esteem Diogenes had. Seeing as you and I are human like Diogenes, what’s to stop us from living with the same conviction? Why shouldn’t we love ourselves so much that you and I believe, “If I were not me, I wish I were Diogenes?”